Restitution to Self – WOMEN in RECOVERY

“Restitution is about ‘making it right.’ It is an approach to discipline which recognizes that young people will make mistakes and that these situations provide opportunities for students to take responsibility, choose effective behaviors and create positive solutions.”

BREAK OUT OF THE BOX

ONE WOMAN’S THOUGHTS: “I never seem to be happy with myself, neither mentally nor physically. I can’t walk past a mirror without thinking “Why do I have to be so ugly and fat?” Recently I’ve been feeling like I’m a complete idiot because I’m having trouble in one of my classes. What can I do to make myself feel better about who I am as a person?”

If you’re so displeased with yourself, both mentally and physically, it’s not so mysterious that you’re falling into two common cognitive traps: perfectionism and self-downing.

Feeling better about who you are as a person means talking to yourself respectfully and rationally. You wouldn’t speak so harshly to your worst enemy. Calling yourself names doesn’t help, and only makes things worse. Fortunately, there are some issues you can address to counteract this tendency.

Perfectionism has many aspects, including the valuable desire to “do better,” “look better,” and generally keep to high standards. So far, so good. However, since even Olympic gold medalists fall short of perfection most of the time, we’d better accept that perfection simply doesn’t exist. Striving toward betterment is great. The quest motivates us, and keeps us on a good path for the long run. But the idea that you can and should attain perfection will crimp your style, stunt your growth, and make you miserable. The solution, fortunately, is within your power: Talk gently and rationally to yourself about your goal and give up the need for perfection.

Secondly, the self-downing habit is a facet of perfectionism that also makes you do less well and contributes to your feeling badly about yourself. Why include a rating of your entire self (your very being) for having trouble in one of your classes? You’re making your performance at this task, at this time, a measure of your worth as a person—and you don’t have to.

It’s much better to keep your high standards, and give up the idea that you have to be perfect. Scratch the idea that if you’re not a sparkly Brangelina, you are therefore totally undesirable and incapable. You’ll start to do much better in many ways when you get off your own back and focus on what you can control.

Perfectionism
For perfectionists, life is an endless report card on accomplishments or looks. A one-way ticket to unhappiness, perfectionism is typically accompanied by depression and eating disorders. What makes perfectionism so toxic is that while those in its grip desire success, they are most focused on avoiding failure, so theirs is a negative orientation. And love isn’t a refuge; in fact, it feels way too conditional on performance. Perfectionism is usually transmitted in little “messages” from parents to children, some as silent as a raised eyebrow over a B rather than an A.

Understanding Cognition
Quite simply, cognition refers to thinking. There are the obvious applications of conscious reasoning—doing taxes, playing chess, deconstructing Macbeth—but thought takes many subtler forms, such as interpreting sensory input, guiding physical actions, and empathizing with others. The old metaphor for human cognition was the computer—a logical information-processing machine. (You can’t spell cognition without “cog.”) But while some of our thoughts may be binary, there’s a lot more to our ‘wetware’ than 0’s and 1’s.

Is it not the time to change the paradigm of your thinking, and simply ‘give yourself a break’?

SHIFT YOUR SELF-PERCEPTION

Feeling worthy requires you to see yourself with fresh eyes of self-awareness and love.

Acceptance and love must come from within.

Your worth is in your true nature, a core of love and inner goodness. You are a beautiful light. You are love. We can bury our magnificence, but it’s impossible to destroy. Loving ourselves isn’t a one time event. It’s an endless, moment by moment ongoing process.

You don’t have to be different to be worthy.

It begins with you, enfolding yourself in your own affection and appreciation.

Read on for steps to discover your worth and enfold yourself in affection and appreciation, from the tiny buddha:

1. Begin your day with love (not technology). Remind yourself of your worthiness before getting out of bed. Breathe in love and breathe out love. Enfold yourself in light. Saturate your being in love.

2. Take time to mediate and journal. Spend time focusing inward daily. Begin with 5 minutes of meditation and 5 minutes of journaling each morning. Gradually increase this time.

3. Talk yourself happy. Use affirmations to train your mind to become more positive. Put a wrist band on your right wrist. When you’re participating in self-abuse of any form, move the band to your left wrist.

4. Get emotionally honest. Let of go of numbing your feelings. Shopping, eating, and drinking are examples of avoiding discomfort, sadness, and pain. Mindfully breathe your way through your feelings and emotions.

5. Expand your interests. Try something new. Learn a language. Go places you’ve never been. Do things you haven’t done before. You have a right to an awesome life.

6. Enjoy life enhancing activities. Find exercise you like. Discover healthy foods that are good for you. Turn off technology for a day and spend time doing things that make you feel alive.

7. Become willing to surrender. Breathe, relax, and let go. You can never see the whole picture. You don’t know what anything is for. Stop fighting against yourself by thinking and desiring people and events in your life should be different. Your plan may be different from your soul’s intentions.

8. Work on personal and spiritual development. Be willing to surrender and grow. Life is a journey. We are here to learn and love on a deeper level. Take penguin steps and life becomes difficult. One step at a time is enough to proceed forward.

9. Own your potential. Love yourself enough to believe in the limitless opportunities available to you. Take action and create a beautiful life for yourself.

10. Be patient with yourself. Let go of urgency and fear. Relax and transform striving into thriving. Trust in yourself, do good work, and the Universe will reward you.

11. Live in appreciation. Train your mind to be grateful. Appreciate your talents, beauty, and brilliance. Love your imperfectly perfect self.

12. Be guided by your intuition. All answers come from within. Look for signs and pay attention to your gut feelings. You’ll hear two inner voices when you need to make a decision. The quiet voice is your higher self; the loud voice is your ego. Always go with the quieter voice.

13. Do what honors and respects you. Don’t participate in activities that bring you down. Don’t allow toxic people in your life. Love everyone, but be discerning on who you allow into your life.

14. Accept uncertainty. Suffering comes from living in the pain of the past or the fear of the future. Put your attention on the present moment and be at peace.

15. Forgive yourself. Learn from your mistakes and go forward. Use this affirmation, “I forgive myself for judging myself for __________ (fill in the blank i.e.: for getting sick, for acting out, for not doing your best.)

16. Discover the power of fun. Self-love requires time to relax, play, and create face-to-face interaction with others. Our fast-paced world creates a goal setting, competitive craziness that doesn’t leave room for play. Dr. Stuart Brow says, “The opposite of play isn’t work, it is depression.”

17. Be real. Speak up and speak out. Allow yourself to be seen, known, and heard. Get comfortable with intimacy (in-to-me-see).

18. Focus on the positive. Go to your heart and dwell on and praise yourself for what you get right in all areas.

19. Become aware of self neglect and rejection. Become conscious of your choices. Ask yourself several times throughout the day, “Does this choice honor me?”

20. Imagine what your life would look like if you believed in your worth. Dedicate your life to loving you. Make it your main event.

21. Seek professional help. Self-rejection and neglect is painful. You deserve to be happy. You have a right to be accepted and loved. If necessary, seek help from a support group, counselor, or coach. It’s the best investment you can make.

TAKE ACTION ~ YOU ARE WORTH IT !!!