Addicted to Struggle

How does Struggle serve me?

Who would I be without struggle?

These two questions were presented to me this week after a comment from my friends Kristin and David Morelli that I might be “addicted to struggle” which would go a long way to explaining my current financial situation.

I have looked at this issue before, but more from an intellectual perspective. I had never really felt into it, so here we go.

I sat in the garden with a cup of tea and a notebook and started to feel really heavy and quite physically sick, so I thought this must be the vibration I am looking for.

Poor Me

There was a lot of Poor Me because I can’t do stuff on my own, I need someone to take care of me, look after me and provide for me. OK, that might mean I have to have a level of obedience to the “hand that feedeth,” however I could also kick back against that and rebel against it.

There will always be a saviour

By staying poor someone or something would surely come along to save me.

Me the Saviour

I have also had a bit of that saviour in me. When things have got tough it has given me huge pleasure to pull out a little bit of money that I had hidden away at some point, to stop everyone else wasting it, and save the day at just the right moment.

Loyalty to Family Patterns

There was a loyalty to and affinity with family patterns, as my family on both sides had always struggled and in some ways still are struggling.

Who would be holding their hand out?

This then led into the questions of “I f I had lots of money, who would be holding their hands out, expecting support?” Hmm, maybe no money is serving as a bit of a protector here!

This led into the thoughts of “who else might be trying to steal from me or who would be demanding money, that I may not necessarily agree that I should be paying?” There has been a lot of fear around and news items to do with theft by governments, people being made bankrupt and having their assets seized over tax. For us personally we have had major issues with our mortgage company and some of their very unpleasant behaviour and other companies claiming money.

No money as a protector

If I stayed poor, then I have the protector of being able to say to them “go away, I have no money, I can’t pay you anything, (even if I did owe you anything).”

Can’t make mistakes

So, if I have no money, then I have to say NO to people and things. I can’t buy stuff, so I can’t make mistakes, I won’t lose money on bad products and poor investments, therefore no-one can come asking for money.

No-one can demand or expect anything of me

This means no-one can demand anything of me because I have not got the money to do anything, therefore I can’t do anything in life, so I won’t fail. I can’t’/won’t stand out, so therefore I can be the same average, mediocre and safe as everyone else I know.

I spend so much of my time in trauma and drama and figuring out how to survive for the day that I can’t create any products or finish anything I have started and then I have not got the funds to promote them properly, so they don’t get marketed, I don’t get rejected and I don’t make any money.

Money won’t get wasted

No money is actually a good thing because then it won’t get wasted on useless rubbish and pointless stuff.

Can’t get rejected

If I don’t have any money, then I can’t move into circles with people who do have money because they would only laugh at me and reject me anyway.

Noble to struggle and be a martyr

I get the opportunity to be a total martyr, putting everybody else’s needs before my own. I can buy the kids stuff but not me. Of course, it is very noble to struggle, to work long and hard for no reward because then it brings me closer to God or my creator. I have to work hard, as results achieved without hard work or struggle are not really worth anything. There is no value to anything that comes too easy.

A football ticket

At this point I seemed to be running out of ideas, although I was not convinced I had got to the bottom of it. I kept asking myself “how does struggle serve me when no-one can buy anything they want to buy?” Suddenly a thought popped into my head about a bill to be paid on Friday. It was for my husband, Greg’s, football season ticket. This is one of the few items of pleasure he has.

This triggered off a huge tirade of the real thoughts, feelings and emotions. By this time, I was feeling so dejected that I actually could not move physically. That was probably just as well, given what was about to come to the surface.

The pain of pleasure

How dare he be spending money on something he loves? I don’t like football, so he shouldn’t either. Clearly if he loved me, he would not want to go and he would stay at home and watch it on the expensive Sky TV channels that I did not want to buy either.

The Control Master

So there was a definite joy, pleasure and power out of being the Control Master with money and deciding who can or can’t do what with money, depending on whether I judge that to be a pleasurable experience or whether it is a waste of money. I don’t really spend anything on myself and if I do it is for my own self-improvement and growth (as I am not perfect and need fixing), I put everyone else’s need before my own, I spend my life in martyrdom tied to the computer, working long and hard trying to make paltry sums of money.

Everyone should be a martyr

So, as I don’t spend on pleasurable things for me, everyone else can have just the bare necessities but no-one can have pleasurable things for themselves because that means that there is only me in martyrdom and everyone else should suffer in martyrdom alongside me.

Pleasure is not allowed, as there is no money for pleasurable frivolities.

So, I am the boss and everyone does as I tell them to do or they don’t get any money for anything they want.

The kids come first and Greg can suffer alongside me. He should sacrifice his pleasures for the greater good of feeding and clothing the family and living in bare existence because that is what noble martyrs do.

How is it that money always seems to show up for him in some way shape or form when he wants to go to a football match or pay for his season ticket?

Frivolous waste and Bare necessities

Money wasted on frivolous pleasure items could have been spent on food and bare necessities. Anyone wasting money on pointless pleasure items will be made to feel great guilt and shame because then the flow of money will be blocked, when all known sources of money have been exhausted. Then there will then be no money for food or other necessities, so that we can then get into blame, recriminations and regrets as money was wasted and not managed wisely.

Struggle keeps the family together

Anyway, struggling keeps the family together in love, closeness and struggling against a common enemy. If we had money, they might all go off in their own directions, doing their own thing in far flung parts of the world and I would be left all alone. I would feel rejected and abandoned.

No money stops us splitting up

So, moving into very uncomfortable territory now – if we had money, would Greg still want to stay with me?

With money, Greg might leave me and find someone nicer and someone who shares his passions, especially football. So if we are caught together in the death grip of a huge mortgage, no-one can go anywhere.

As a downside to being without struggle, then one or both of us might raise our vibration, so we end up joyful and happy. That would be very bad because members of the opposite sex could be attracted to that high energy and high sexual energy and so one or other might end up going off with someone else who has a matching high energy vibration.

The creativity of struggle

Anyway, when we have no money and plenty of struggle and drama, Greg and I come together in great creativity to solve the problems and fight the common enemy. The bigger the drama, the more intense the conversation. We can’t really discuss goals and future plans because we haven’t got any money to do anything anyway!

Control of Money

As I have controlled everything, I have complete control over all the money that comes into the family. It is no wonder Greg feels resentful. All his money disappears into “the common pot” and there is not even enough for him to buy a few DVDS or his football ticket. I have felt resentful over things he has bought, which I have considered wasteful and he has probably felt the same way about my spending, which has brought us to the point of nothing.

Your money and my money

He has always had a huge desire to support his family, yet his salary has never really seemed like it was enough to do the things we wanted to do. I have often said that “his salary pays the bills and my income is for pleasure”. Now, there is an interesting pattern for him! That has sort of worked fine, whilst I was bringing in income. As soon as that stopped, the bills got paid and nothing else!

Greg’s feelings

Turns out that Greg’s own self-worth and self-esteem was so low that he was frightened of me leaving him and scared to death that no-one else would want him! This poor man has put up with me for 22 years!

So with carrying around all of this stuff, it is not really surprising that I have had issues with my physical weight for most of my life.

Having looked at and really felt all of this, I have to say I feel a lot lighter and the atmosphere in our house seems to be much better

Now to look at the next part of the question, as to “who would I be without struggle?”

With abundant blessings.

Amanda Goldston

AMANDA GOLDSTON