‘Say Something ….’

As a relationship coach I often have clients who are having what most people consider the number one problem in relationships: Communication Issues. Or maybe I should say, poor communication skills.

“Communication troubles can stem from childhood experiences, in which we may learn to “stuff” our feelings, blame others, blow-up in anger, “beat around the bush” instead of saying what we need, want, or feel, or otherwise experience–and imitate – counterproductive communication habits. Sometimes, it’s difficult to know for ourselves what we want to say; the act of saying it aloud can also be terrifying to some people sometimes.” ~ Melinda Douglass, PsyD

Everyone talks. The problem occurs when we resist talking about the things that are important to the relationship or we shut down totally. I’m talking about going silent. Sometimes it’s because they are angry or perhaps just don’t know what to say. Perhaps the most damaging outcome to silence is that, by it’s very nature, silence leaves the recipient guessing. It is no fun for your partner to try to guess what he or she is thinking and feeling.

It seems to me that men are most prone to silence during a conflict… she wants to talk and he has totally checked out. In general, it is true that women in our society are better ‘educated’ in understanding and expressing a wider range of emotions. Withholding communication from your partner is the first step in the wrong direction. Not saying what you need to say can drive a wedge between partners that can take time to extract. Often young boys are told, “be a man… suck it up… don’t be weak.” So why are we surprised when those boys grow up to be emotionally uneducated men?

Communication Styles: Passive, Aggressive, Passive-Aggressive, and Assertive ~ Therapists often teach communication techniques. Assertiveness training focuses on communication styles: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive.

• Passive communicators seem to believe their needs don’t matter. They act almost like mice–very small and timid–and do just about anything to avoid confrontation. They like to please others, often at their own expense. Sometimes, this builds resentment.
• Aggressive communicators act as if only their needs matter. They accuse, threaten, yell, insult, and dominate. They often get into relationships with passive people.
• Passive-aggressive people express anger and use manipulation, guilt, and subtle games to get what they want. They feel aggressive and often act out of anger, but hide their aggression under passive behaviors, such as remaining silent, “forgetting” things, refusing to listen, changing plans at the last minute, and otherwise expressing bitterness or anger without directly verbalizing it or admitting to it.
• Assertive communication recognizes that everyone’s needs are important, and involves honest, neutral language. Assertiveness requires some level of emotional vulnerability, and rewards that level of maturity with healthier relationships, in which needs get met, feelings are expressed, and everyone feels heard and connected most of the time.

Everyone must learn to express themselves better. Talk about how you feel. It’s okay to be vulnerable. Admitting that we are afraid, embarrassed or sad is usually the first step in reducing its effect on us. We need to learn to talk about the things that are sometimes difficult to talk about if we want our relationships to grow. If you find yourself fitting into any of the four communication styles, you may want to study them more to better understand what you can do to change.

There is a very popular song lately called, “Say Something.” Listen to the song in the video below. Better communication skills are mandatory for men and women. When you do nothing to improve these skills, you may find that your partner will be – like the song says – “giving up on you.” Probably not what you want.

BONUS Articles: Communicating is Not Optional – How to Listen So Your Partner Will Talk
For Men Only – Have No Undelivered Communication!
“I’m Fine!” and she stomped away…
2 Hot Ideas for a Better Relationship
Talk the Talk
Interpretation – Women and Men Do it Differently
No Withholds
Five Reasons Men Go Silent, and What to Do About It (Part One)
Five Reasons Men Go Silent, and What to Do About It (Part Two)

 

“Say Something”
Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’ll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
Anywhere I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye

Say something, I’m giving up on you
And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
And anywhere I would’ve followed you (Oh-oh-oh-oh)
Say something, I’m giving up on you

Say something, I’m giving up on you
Say something…

Writer(s): Ian Axel, Chad Vaccarino
Copyright: Ian Axel Music, Chad Vaccarino Publishing

Copyright © 2014 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.