Unfaithfulness in Marriage – When to Ask for a Divorce

If you have ever felt the betrayal of infidelity in your marriage, then you will know how it rips your heart apart. Feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, hurt, depression and anger seem to become the norm. It’s like the life you once shared, the hopes that you had for the future, and the love you felt, all become shattered overnight.

It can be extremely hard to decide whether or not to get divorced after your spouse has had an affair. You could still love your spouse, but also hate them at the same time. Emotions become like a violent storm inside of your soul. Only you can decide whether or not you can live with the idea that your spouse has cheated. Can you ever trust them again?

When is it a good idea to ask for a divorce after unfaithfulness in marriage?

Here are a few tips to help you make this very hard decision:

How many marriages survive after unfaithfulness?

Studies have shown that once a person cheats the chances of them cheating again are highly probable. If your spouse has cheated on your recently, you might wonder if they have cheated on you in the past, or if they might cheat again in the future. Studies have also shown that if a spouse has cheated, they will be three times more likely to cheat again in the future. This is quite a high statistic.

There are also different types of infidelity. In this digital age, cheating isn’t just sleeping around.

You could ask yourself these questions:

Did your partner have sex once with someone else or various times with different people around? Or were they sexting and flirting via social media, emails or Whatsapp? Was it emotional cheating, where they perhaps used someone else for emotional support? Was it one kiss, which stopped at that? There are various factors to consider when it comes to unfaithfulness in marriage.

Another study showed that in 41% of marriages, a spouse had admitted to having an affair. If you think about it, this is quite a large percentage. You are not alone. There are many spouses who have felt the same pain that you are feeling right now.

Ifstudies.org conducted a poll that showed 441 people who had admitted to cheating. More than half of those couple’s marriages ended in divorce immediately after their spouse found out.

30% tried to save their marriages but ended up getting divorced anyway and only 15.6% managed to save their marriages after infidelity. As you can see adultery in a marriage is like cancer. It eats away at the trust in a marriage and very few marriages are actually able to survive this deep betrayal. Cheating is traumatic!

So when should you ask for a divorce?

Think about these few factors before you consider getting a divorce.

1. How many times has your spouse cheated?

Has your spouse cheated on you more than once? If you have forgiven your spouse for a previous affair, and they cheated again, getting a divorce might be what’s needed for you to heal. If your spouse can’t remain faithful, then you might need to consider getting divorced. If your spouse promised to change and hasn’t, then what’s the point? It shows that they obviously have a problem. And you deserve to be loved and happy. If your spouse is a serial cheater, you also have to consider things like STDs, HIV and so on. So, think carefully about how sorry your spouse really is. Remember, actions speak louder than words.

2. Is your spouse sincerely sorry?

Is your spouse really sorry? Or are they sorry that they just got caught? A recent study showed that many who cheated are sorry for hurting their other halves, but that they are not sorry for having the affair. So has your spouse apologized to you sincerely? Are they doing everything that they can to fix the hurt and damage that they have caused? Maybe they have only cheated once and swear to never cheat again. If your spouse is blaming you for their affair, you might need to reconsider things. Yes, sometimes you need to do a little soul searching to see why your spouse strayed, but most of the time, an affair has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with the one who cheated. If they haven’t apologized and blamed you for the affair, the chances are that they are not sorry. This could also point to deeper problems in your marriage.

Seeking marriage counseling after an affair is extremely important. A therapist can help you both figure out what went wrong and what you can do to heal the heartache.

3. Has your spouse ended their affair?

In order for your marriage to survive, your spouse has to break all contact with the person they cheated on you will. They will need to block them on their phones, perhaps even changing their cell phone numbers and email addresses. They will also need to block them on social media. If your spouse wants your marriage to work, breaking things off with their “lover” is imperative, for you to regain trust. If they don’t do this and try to remain, friends, then it is time to seek a divorce. If your spouse and their “lover” work together in the same company are they willing to move departments, branches or even leave their job? All of this can show you if your spouse really wants to make a go at your marriage.

4. How is your spouse treating you after the affair?

Is your spouse begging for you to stay? With tears in their eyes? Are they doing everything possible to make things right? For example, giving you their passwords to their phone or email? Or is your spouse treating you with disrespect? A person could fake being sorry; once again, actions speak louder than words. If they are trying their best to make things work, then consider giving your marriage another chance. But if they are being distant and not trying, it might be time to file for a divorce.

5. You both couldn’t care anymore about your marriage.

If you both seem tired and apathetic towards your marriage, then this is a big sign that your marriage is over. If you feel that you don’t love your spouse anymore after they have betrayed you, then getting a divorce is a good idea.

Deciding to get a divorce after infidelity is a hard decision. Only you will know what is the right thing to do. You might get tons of advice from others; to stay, to go. But only you will be able to make that decision. If you do decide to give your marriage a second try, then it will take a lot of work, patience, and love, to rebuild it.

Thanks to Awais Ahmed