DIVORCE, Rising, Surviving and Thriving – WOMEN in RECOVERY

DIVORCE – Rising, Surviving and Thriving

People going through divorce often focus on the endings it represents – the ending of a relationship, a dream, a way of life. To thrive after divorce requires you to look at divorce as a beginning – the beginning of a new life, of new possibilities for loving relationship, of a sense of self-empowerment and awareness you may have never have experienced before.

One small suggestion for all of us that are or have lived through a separation or divorce away from what used to be a loving partnership, is to simply focus on the experience as one of change and growth; not as one of death. This paradigm flip of thinking will transform some of the natural grieving perceptions that will take course from a negative to positive; as well as, open your mind to a life of new possibilities, allowing you to let yourself BE HAPPY.

Too many of us waste too many post marriage years allowing our own twisted thinking of failure, guilt, loss, etc. to control our lives. Truth be told, it is those of us that are totally self absorbed that suffer the most through this process of divorce.

Yes, the victims and the martyrs are always the ones that suffer the most. In this state, one does not have the mental capacity to realize that there are two people living through this one experience, at the same time. Once you can open your mind that that one single fact; you have already tossed half of your suffering away, making the workload of creating enjoyment in this new life 50% easier. Get it?


Once you begin to focus on the facts, you will accept that such a change has occurred in both of you and that the possibility of remaining the same is now impossible.

It is what it is; and once believing that everything happens for a reason becomes your daily reality, you too will see that only good can come from this – if you allow yourself to heal and BE HAPPY.

Here are 5 Tips to help separated and divorced individuals thrive after divorce.

1. Make a Choice: Survive or Thrive
Getting a divorce ranks right up there among the most painful life experiences. Does getting separated or divorced mean you’re doomed to fail in relationship? Not at all! It’s up to you. You can choose to simply survive and get through your divorce if you want to. Or you can choose to set the bar higher and choose to thrive instead. There is wisdom available to us from our divorce process, if we’re willing to use the experience instead of remaining a victim of it.

2. Get the Facts
It’s your responsibility to learn not only what your legal rights and obligations are, but also what your legal options are. If you’re unsure of your legal rights, it might be a good idea to contact tulsa divorce attorney. Duking it out in court is not the only solution. There are alternatives such as collaborative law, divorce mediation or arbitration. The courts tend to view you as a file, not a family. Regardless of the legal route you choose, realize that you must be the quarterback and call the shots. If you give a busy judge with a huge caseload the responsibility for major decisions that will affect you and your family, chances are high that nobody will be happy with the final results.

3. Get Real
Divorce can be an overwhelming and confusing time. It’s important you get real with yourself about your situation. It’s difficult to move forward when you’re in denial about where you are now. Where are the holes in your support system or the gaps in your knowledge of how to navigate your divorce? If you need support, ask for it.

4. What Your Ex Thinks of You is None of Your Business
Remaining trapped in power struggles or wishing your ex-spouse will acknowledge your point of view will add some major potholes on your road to divorce. Realize that what your ex thinks of you is not your concern. The degree to which you focus on this robs you of your power. What you think of you and your decisions is what matters. Taking total responsibility for your thoughts, words, and actions will put you in the driver’s seat of your life.

5. Keep Your Children out of the Cross-Fire
It seems obvious that we, as adults, should do our best to keep children out of the middle of divorcing parents. Sadly there are far too many cases of children who are caught in the cross-fire. The spectrum ranges from using children as messengers or spies, forcing them to declare their loyalties, or even outright parental alienation or abduction. Divorce is an issue created by adults and children are the innocent bystanders. Imagine a significant milestone in the future, such as your child’s wedding. What kind of memories do you want your child to have of that special day? Start building toward that memory today and keep your children’s best interests in mind.



1. Grieve the termination of your relationship. Ending a serious relationship can be almost as painful as having someone close to you die. It is okay to grieve the end of your marriage and the loss of your partner. During the grieving process, you may feel disbelief, try to bargain you way out of the situation, and become angry or depressed. Eventually, you will reach a state of acceptance and be able to move on with your life.

2. Take it easy on yourself. Recognize that you have just experienced an enormous loss and it is understandable that you might not be at the top of your game. Your focus needs to be on you and your emotional health. Take some time each day for self reflection or pampering.

3. Share your feelings with those close to you. It is very important not to isolate yourself after a divorce. Although it may be the last thing you feel like doing, an occasional night out with friends can really help you process your emotions. It can also be used as a good way to take a break from your pain.

4. Seek closure with your ex. After a divorce, it is normal to try and understand what went wrong, particularly if infidelity was involved. If you and your ex are on speaking terms, it may be helpful to have a meeting with your ex so that your lingering questions can be answered. If you decide to do this, it is a good idea to have a counselor or neutral third party present to keep things from getting out of hand. If you are not on speaking terms with your ex, spend some time writing about your confusion and questions. Try to sort through them and find some answers of your own.

5. Forgive your ex-spouse. This may be the hardest part of the healing process after a divorce. Forgiving your ex does not mean that you need to be friends, or even like your ex. What it does mean is that you legitimately wish him or her the best and you no longer dwell on the ways that you have been wronged. While this may seem impossible, forgiveness benefits you more than the other person. It sets you free from bitterness and allows you to live a healthy, fulfilling life.

6. Seek the advice of a counselor or spiritual leader. This will give you a safe place to share your feelings, work through your pain, and take healthy steps forward.

Read more: eHow.com

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